Kudos to Miller Lite! They’ve managed the impossible: removing taste from beer. It is a historic achievement, as for thousands of years the taste and ingredients of beer has been paramount to the brewer. Forget those foreigners and their insistence on flavor. Thanks to American innovation, taste and quality are a thing of the past, replaced by consistency and mass production. Normally at Revolution and Beer we review top quality craft and international beers. Today is a special day.
I’d recently suffered a head injury which prompted me to reach for a Miller Lite. Marketed for people who believe that “Light” is instead a four letter word, a proper Miller Lite tasting required just the right container. I have goblets, chalices, Weiss and Stout glasses, Ale glasses and steins for tastings, but nothing suitable to Miller Lite, which wouldn’t require flushing first. It needed to be perfect, in order to truly capture all of the subtly and nuance of Miller Lite. Obviously I thought a hat would be perfect.
The beer poured to a pale golden hue, reminiscent of a dialysis patient on diuretics, and a delightfully thin head which disappeared faster than Casper the ghost in a camera flash. Immediately I sensed the aroma, which exhibited overtones of banality, with undertones of Lake Michigan water filtered through rice not destined for human consumption. The aroma reminded me of a muffler shop at closing time, with the awkward misogynist shouts of Russian middle-aged men calling after women on the sidewalk. Miller Lite boasts an ABV (alcohol by volume) just above a 4am belch after a police breathalyzer.
I do have to admit that it was a luxury not to have to think as I lifted the plastic tube to my mouth for that first gulp, not like those elitist craft beers. In fact, I actually could feel about two dozen IQ points dissolving at that moment. I was thrilled at the marvels of mass consumption, and that I was tasting precisely what 11 million other people similarly afflicted were swilling. Imagine massive tanks of what Miller can legally call beer so huge that a worker could drown in one without affecting the taste! Magnificent!
So pick up a beer, turn on cable TV and stare at the weather channel for eleven hours, kick back with a Chalupa, make a toast to Chris Christie, tell yourself voting changes nothing, refuse to leave your couch ever again and suck on your beer hat until your cranium implodes. You’re an American dammit, and Miller Lite spelled backwards is FOX News. Wow, I really am missing those IQ points…
WC Turck is an author, artist, playwright and talk radio host in Chicago. His first novel, “Broken” was recommended by NAMI for its treatment of PTSD. In 2006 he published “Everything for Love,” a memoir of his experiences during the siege of Sarajevo. He wrote and produced two critically acclaimed plays, “Occupy my Heart” and “The People’s Republic of Edward Snowden.” He works with the homeless and foreclosure victims in Chicago. For more information, past shows, videos and articles, visit www.revolutioandbeer.com