I’m having some trouble with the Bible. If it truly is the word of God, why does he leave so many of the most important lessons in life out? For example, my dad is one of the toughest and bravest guys I know. He was a union guy, in a factory and a volunteer fireman, but he couldn’t accomplish anything without a cup of coffee in the morning. But nowhere in the Bible is there a story that starts with, “After his morning coffee the lord went forth and smote…”
For that matter, my whole life I have been told breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and yet, the Bible, Torah and Koran are all silent on this subject. Why? Wouldn’t it be a great lesson to kids if David’s mom was heard to say, “Goliath can wait until you’ve had breakfast. How are you going to slay a giant and you haven’t had breakfast? Oh, and don’t forget your helmet and knee pads!”
Then again, David would have also benefitted from exercise, right? Maybe a few pushups, jog a little, lift some heavy stones. Yet, he isn’t even described as practicing the slingshot. That seems fundamental. There is more to learn from the golfing scene from the 1970s comedy Animal House with John Belushi regarding practice than in any holy book. but exercise should be a given, right? Jesus walked the desert for who knows how long, but no where does it say to the rest of us, get your big butts up and go for a walk. The only downside I can see is that with all those healthy hot looking people in Mosques, Temples and churches, singles bars and e-harmony might go out of business. To quote Jim Gaffigan, as you turn to an attractive neighbor in church, “Peace be with you, and an extra piece for you…”
The commandments fall short as well. Unless I’m a peasant shepherd, a few of them just are sort of irrelevant. A few suggestions, if I might, would update the commandments, such as, Don’t fart in a crowded elevator, hilarious though it may be if you are the farter, not the fartee. How about, Thou’t shall not flip other drivers off, or drive like a jerk when entering and leaving a place of worship. That’s right, gold Toyota, you know who you are. Maybe not playing with food would be a good one for kids. I got smacked and grounded for that all the time, and yet never needed the Thou shall’t not kill rule.
Finally, we are warned of deviant sexual acts by clergy and throughout holy texts (insert your own jokes here). Marriage, we are also told, is sacred, and yet not much in the way of real world marriage advice. The idea that a woman shall be subservient to her husband has caused us nothing but trouble, while real world advice is missing. After 900 years of marriage -that’s how old they say Noah was in the Bible- I’m guessing relations between he and Mrs. Noah(No last name here? That seems a bit presumptuous. I have like 8 friends named Bill) were getting a bit, shall we say, predictable. Perhaps a bit of advice on how to liven up the captain’s quarters aboard the Ark a bit would have been in order. The first real Love Boat! I’m thinking a bit of role playing perhaps. I can hear Noah’s wife saying, “I’ll be the milk maiden tonight, and you be the lost shepherds boy…”
Along those lines, and I’m just throwing this one out there, you can all decide for yourselves, but isn’t S & M truly the consensual adult embodiment of the Golden Rule? Do onto others, and all that? Just sayin’…
Listen Saturday’s from 11am-1pm to WC Turck, Brian Murray with Jack Hammond and guests on Chicago’s real alternative media, AM1680, Q4 radio, streaming at www.que4.org.
WC Turck is an author, artist, playwright and talk radio host in Chicago. He has been called the most dangerous voice on the Left. His new book “A Tragic Fate: is an unflinching look at the events leading up to the shooting down of Malaysia Air Flight 17.” His first novel, “Broken” was recommended by NAMI for its treatment of PTSD. In 2006 he published “Everything for Love,” a memoir of his experiences during the siege of Sarajevo. He wrote and produced two critically acclaimed plays, “Occupy my Heart” and “The People’s Republic of Edward Snowden.” He works with the homeless and foreclosure victims in Chicago. He partners in a weekly radio show dedicated to issues, society and politics with cohost, activist and artist Brian Murray For more information, past shows, videos and articles, visit www.revolutioandbeer.com